The Girl I'm Looking For

I think I can tell you now exactly what type of girl I try to find when I'm in a place to be looking. I've mentioned before that I know there's a certain darkness in me. A certain sadness that I have never been able to quite see, but never been able to deny either. When I look for a girl, I look for one in whom I cannot see such darkness. One from whom all I can see is light. And then I look to drag that darkness out of her anyway, if she lets me get close enough.

Because as much as I want to martyr myself with the idea that this darkness is only in me, I know that it must be within everyone. I've seen enough people in my life to know that even the happiest have their sadness.

I think that's how I ruin every single one of my relationships. I find a good girl who's only ever seen the sun and make her look for the shadow that it casts. I must be the cause of all of the destruction I see in my life. After all, as I always say, either the whole world is crazy, or it's me. Which one seems more plausible?

As I watched the video of another one of my ex-girlfriends getting married, I couldn't help but notice how happy she looked. She was always happy. All of my ex-girlfriends were always happy. I still see some of their pictures on Facebook. They have boyfriends or husbands or even kids. Houses and dogs and jobs. Happy. Except when they were with me.

I'll say it again. Either it's the whole world, or it's just me. In this case, as always, it's just me.