I had a birthday the other day. They're not really as exciting as they used to be. I don't find myself gearing up for a Chuck E. Cheese party for the whole day. I don't find myself gearing up for much of anything really. Just a few Facebook notes and a text or two. Imagine my surprise when I woke up to not a single post on my Facebook wall. I didn't see that one coming.
And that's when I realized that I'm entering a new time in my life. A time when my friends aren't any less happy to know me. They're just not on Facebook that much either. And I'm not either. I can't blame them. I can't tell you the number of birthdays I haven't posted about on Facebook.
I didn't expect it to make me a little sad. I'm perfectly fine with my small friend group. There was just something about getting a ton of notifications on your birthday that felt good. Artificial, but good.
I'm too old for that now though, I think. I can't take my self-worth from the masses. It has to come from myself firstly, and then the people I value the most secondly. And it definitely has to stay in that order. It'd be so much more gratifying to look for my approval from everyone, but it'd only be gratifying for a little while.
That's what I've come to learn, at least. Since I'm old and stuff.
Maybe it's just me though. Maybe I'm just looking to disregard the kind of acceptance I'm not receiving. Maybe I'm jealous of the ones who get it.
It's probably the second one. I don't know. I just don't want to need approval from anyone but my closest of friends. There's a reason they're my close friends. It's because we already have that mutual approval.
Anything else just starts to feel like gluttony. Amazing at first, but a little sickening when it starts to settle in. And the approval monster always needs more. More validation. More assurance. More dependency.
Don't read this as an insult to the masses either. People haven't been unusually cruel to me or anything. I just want my close friends to know that they're going to be enough for me. If you're one of them, thank you for everything.
Wow. I'm not sure how the post evolved into that. I think it's what I had to deal with most in my 23rd year of life.
So now I'm hoping I can conquer it in my 24th.
Happy fall, everyone. I treasure you. Truly.