In Brightest Day, In Blackest Friday

It's that time of year again. The one where trampling old ladies looking to buy the new Elmo product isn't just acceptable, it's required. I hope you all got out there and caused some serious hip damage. I know I did. It just wouldn't be the holidays without it. I'm my mother's son, so this time of year is especially trying on me. She taught me to recognize a sale and to take advantage of it, so when I see movies I want to own or games I want to play or electronics I want to fiddle with, I can hardly help myself. It's all I can do every year to not spend all of the money I have.

This year, I didn't make it out to any store except for the one I had to go to because I work there. Everything I bought, I did so online. This makes it infinitely harder to injure adorable grandmothers, but we must soldier on in an ever-changing digital age. Undoubtedly, my life will afford me many opportunities to punch an old woman. I can't be brought down by one lost opportunity.

My point isn't to say we shouldn't buy things for ourselves. Some excess money (if you find yourself with it) can be used for that. Just, if you're going to buy stuff for yourself, don't make excuses about not having enough money to shop for your loved ones. Your parents and brothers and friends appreciate gifts too.

And even more important than that, watch out for walkers. You think grandmas can't wield these as weapons, but they can. They sure can.