The ex-girlfriend and I have been talking a lot since Sunday night happened. I hate that I even have to write the words "ex-girlfriend." I'm too old to have a brand new ex. This is the time of my life where everything's supposed to be working out for me, isn't it? Anyway, she and I have been talking. I actually convinced myself it was helping in some way. That if I could say the right things and show her that I could be mature about the whole thing, maybe she'd come back and say everything was going to be okay.
Everything's not going to be okay. I'm not going to be okay. This isn't supposed to be how anything was supposed to turn out.
Why is it that as soon as I get one thing figured out, another falls apart? When do I get that peace my religious upbringing promised me? If God's some cosmic being that will just drop one shoe as I'm recovering from the last one, maybe it's just better if he leaves me alone for awhile.
If he hasn't done that already, I guess.
I question everything in moments like these. I'm allowed. I might even go so far as to say I should. I may forget to balance the books when the money's coming in, but I'm sure going to when we're in the red and I can't figure out why.
Maybe that's a stupid metaphor. Maybe this is a stupid post.
I thought about shutting down the blog for a while. I should focus on other writing projects. I shouldn't be writing about these kinds of things in a public forum. The way I see it, with Facebook and Twitter and everything, everything is already everyone's business. Privacy and social networking cannot coexist.
So why not write some of this out? Maybe a like-hearted soul needs to hear some of these words. Maybe I just need to write these words.
Either way, it's all here. For everyone to see. For you to pick apart and criticize and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I know there's something.
And in case you can't tell, no I'm really not all that fine.