I've been in a worse mood than usual lately. And before you make the joke, I know I'm not always in the best mood to begin with. So this one is all the more noticeable. If I haven't gotten out of it, it's not for lack of trying. I'm fighting so hard against it. I try to get enough sleep, I've been exercising more lately, I spend as much time doing things I love as I possibly can.
And there's still a black cloud at the front of my mind filtering everything I experience.
It took an even darker turn yesterday. It hit me where it hurts more than anything.
It affected my writing.
I got up at my usual early time yesterday, thinking I was mentally prepared to face this task of writing. So I plop down on the couch and open my laptop and the document I'm working on and then I immediately closed it.
As if by reflex.
Thinking rationally, I figured I'd work on something else. Then I did the exact same thing. Closed the page as soon as I opened it.
I hadn't had this kind of trouble writing in months. I thought, foolishly enough, that I was past it. That writing from here on out was going to be an easy, fluid thing. Like part of the stretching part of waking up. Something I'd just do.
And then there was this fear of it.
The fear led to frustration which didn't lead to any more writing, so I kept flipping between thinking I'm about to write something to reading things on the internet and back until I eventually had to physically leave my house for a little while.
That was the only way I could seem to get my head right. Even then, the writing didn't exactly feel right. It got done, but it didn't feel good.
So that settles it. I need to get out of this mood and I need to get out of it soon. It can mess with a lot of things, but writing is one step too far.