Disenchanted

Here's what always happens to me. Always. I get so excited about something, I get it, then it's not really that important to me anymore. I'm talking of course of material things, jobs, and stuff like that. It's a little different with people (thankfully), but all the same, it's troublesome. There must be something wrong with my DNA. I can't be happy for reasons I can't quite put my fingers on. I have a firm grasp on being okay, and most of the time that's fine, but I wouldn't mind a few solid months of elation. I could afford to be manic now and then.

It just doesn't happen. I can't even find the right thing to blame it on. All I've come up with so far is that it's just me. I'm just messed up in all sorts of ways and I don't know how to fix myself. I don't even know if I can be fixed. Or what fixed would look like. Maybe this stuff I fight against, this dissatisfaction, is normal. Maybe it's part of being human and wanting what's better. Maybe that's even a good desire.

But I wish it was less of that and more of the thankfulness. I wish the good came naturally and the bad left the same way. It isn't fair to all of those who have so much less than me.

I don't even dislike it because of that though. It's because it doesn't feel nice for me. Nothing satisfies like I want it to. There's something I'm missing.

2012 will be the year I find out what.