I hit these points, like running into walls at full speed really, where all I'm really feeling is nothing. They're the most unfortunate times. I'm not mad at anything so I'm not compelled to do anything about it, but I'm not particularly happy either. It's such a toxic, overwhelming feeling of blah that it's easy to get weighed down in it. I can't be the only one who's been here.
The worst part of it all is that I tell myself that feeling something bad would be better than feeling this nothing. I even have Goo Goo Dolls quotes to go along with it ("When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"). Every feeling is instantly validated by 90s pop/rock. Bet you didn't know that.
It's then that I worry I'll get self-destructive and do something stupid. If you know me at all, it'll pretty much seem that this isn't my tendency. I'm not really known for doing anything particularly crazy or even much of anything at all.
I just wonder if it'll always be that way. I don't know what I'll do as I get older and more interested in feeling young.
And I even wonder if letting myself stay in the nothing I get stuck in is perhaps my most destructive tendency of all.