I Broke Myself, I Think

It's probably a combination of a lot of things, but I don't like that since I wrote about writing on here, I've been having more of a problem with it than I have been in a long time. The old idea that if you talk about your work, the chemicals in your brain make you believe you've already completed it keeps coming to mind. Usually that's related to someone praising you for what you've done, but the idea is still there.

Did I break my good streak of writing by talking about it or are these just the normal hills and valleys that stuff like this go through?

Admittedly, I'm writing something long-form in a new format with absolutely no plan of where it's going, so there's going to have to be bumps. I'm aware of every time I use a "be" verb. I don't always know how to do what I'm trying to. Sometimes, like that, I end sentences in prepositions.

So again, I wonder, is it because writing is hard or did I actually break myself?

I guess time will tell and until my fingers fall off or something, I should probably just keep writing anyway. Any step forward is better than standing still.

What Goes Up Must

I blogged last week because I could say that I was having a good time writing. Because I was writing a lot. Then I had a whole week where nothing seemed to go writing, in terms of writing. I wrote about the same amount in the whole week as I wrote each day the week before.

It didn't seem fair to come here and say things are going well and then not come here when they aren't.

I could make a million excuses and in my head, trust me, I am, but I'm not going to do that here. There isn't an excuse good enough to explain why I just don't or can't write sometimes. Even if there are excuses, none of them are good.

I was sitting here for a while, after that last paragraph, unsure where to go. I'm in my backyard and it's warm but not hot and it's sunny but I'm in the shade and it's just wonderful. I'm listening to Atlas: Year One, an album by Sleeping at Last and watching my wife play with the dogs and the dogs play with tennis balls.

While all of this was going on, a song called Lights came on and it has a recurring lyric: "I'll do better."

And I will.

So I Guess I Have a Blog

I started writing this post on Saturday and I never got around to finishing it, so instead of doing the normal thing, I'm going to start over. I think I can do better.

I've forgotten about this blog lately. I used to write in it twice a week because I needed a break from the projects I was working on. I used to be so overwhelmed by not being good at writing scripts that I'd need to take two days a week where I could write a blog where I pretended like I knew what I was doing.

Well, I still don't know what I'm doing, but I don't feel like I have to prove it as much. Instead, I just keep moving forward. It's a slow, unsteady road and I lose my footing more than I'd want, to use a metaphor that sounds silly even as I type it. I don't know if I am a writer or if I'm becoming a writer or if there's a difference, but I'm trying every day.

For now, that's going to be enough.

Hey, I'm Still Alive

It's been a while, hasn't it? By my count it's been over a month since I last decided I had something to say here. The other day my mom asked if I was still writing, so I figured it might be time to catch the rest of you up.

I am, in fact, still writing. Every day for the last 125 days or so, if I'm reading my tracking app properly. It's not as good as the streak I broke a while back, but it's getting back up there.

Writing lately though has been an uphill climb. It's honestly been a challenge to make any progress on the project I'm playing with (which we'll keep a secret for now because why not?) and some days it seems to go only a sentence at a time. It's hard to come on a blog and say writing is going great when something like that is going on.

I also don't want to come around and complain about how hard things are because really, it's a pretty common thing. And really, I've written about it before, probably plenty of times.

So all is still well here. I hope things are good there. Now back to work, all of us. There's plenty to do.

Moments

I don't think we always know the most important moments as they're happening to us. I think it takes five or twenty or even a lifetime of years to look back and say "wow, that really defined me."

I had a moment, this morning, that felt important right away, just as it was happening.

I have a dog, a big dog at that. She's loud and she looks like she could hurt you if she wanted, but on the other side of that, she's also terrified of storms. And I mean terrified. I'm talking jump on top of your head just to get away from whatever it is that's making those noises and flashes.

Which doesn't work, of course. And she's big, so it's even funnier.

This morning, though, we had quite the thunder and lightning show. Even the rain coming down sounded angry. I went upstairs to take a shower and she was all over me. She had been sleeping, or at least trying to, by my wife at the foot of the bed, but she was anxious.

I called her up on the bed laid down, sandwiching her between me and Mikayla. She was still whimpering, but we both held her tight. Eventually, she calmed down enough for me to feel like it would be okay to get up to shower.

I don't know why the moment felt significant then or why it still does now. Maybe, in this case, that's what I'll get to see in five or twenty or a lifetime of years from now.