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I hit these points, like running into walls at full speed really, where all I’m really feeling is nothing. They’re the most unfortunate times. I’m not mad at anything so I’m not compelled to do anything about it, but I’m not particularly happy either. It’s such a toxic, overwhelming feeling of blah that it’s easy to get weighed down in it.

I can’t be the only one who’s been here.

The worst part of it all is that I tell myself that feeling something bad would be better than feeling this nothing. I even have Goo Goo Dolls quotes to go along with it (“When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive”). Every feeling is instantly validated by 90s pop/rock. Bet you didn’t know that.

It’s then that I worry I’ll get self-destructive and do something stupid. If you know me at all, it’ll pretty much seem that this isn’t my tendency. I’m not really known for doing anything particularly crazy or even much of anything at all.

I just wonder if it’ll always be that way. I don’t know what I’ll do as I get older and more interested in feeling young.

And I even wonder if letting myself stay in the nothing I get stuck in is perhaps my most destructive tendency of all.

I didn’t really expect to be blogging about my experience in the comic book world quite this much, but alas here I am and the thought nagging my mind is once again related to the colorful pages and characters of imagination, so stick with me. I promise this isn’t just useful for nerds like me.

It’s a simple premise, really. One that I never paid much attention to when I learned it in high school all of those years ago (thanks Mrs. Thompson!). It’s relevant in comic books because they’re about this precise thing, this exact idea, but it should mean something to you too.

Here’s the thought:

Heroes have weaknesses because they need to be human. Villains have none because they no longer are.

I do simplify this in a way, mainly for parallelism’s sake, but there’s something true in there. Superman has kryptonite. Green Lantern has, um, the color yellow. Batman has no powers to begin with. All of these characters have weaknesses because, first of all, we need to identify them as human. They need to be defeatable and try anyway. That’s important for us to see.

Villains don’t need weaknesses because it’s their lack thereof that pushed them into villainy anyway. They possessed something unchecked and it took control of them. They needn’t weaknesses because they’ve already lost their humanity. And, well, most of the heroes in the classic sense abide by a code that won’t allow them to kill anyway, so why make them killable?

But there’s something else. Something that’s right there under our noses and it’s worth standing back and looking at. It’s that it’s those weaknesses, and only those, that prevent our heroes from becoming villains. As I learned in that history class so long ago, “Absolute power absolutely corrupts.”

Superman might not be interested in a saving a world that could crumple under his might. Why should he? If he never learned to be human from good ol’ Ma and Pa Kent (and humanity’s his and any other superhero’s weakness, by the way), heaven knows what kind of unruly god he would be.

And I know I’m talking in fictional worlds and superpowers and archenemies and all that, but doesn’t it seem to you that if there was a purpose for every single flaw possessed by all the great heroic characters any of us have ever written there might just be a reason for yours too?

Since we’re on the topic of comic books, I figured I’d talk a little about the first full story I read. I think it’s officially called a “trade” when it gathers a run of comic books together (the terminology is still so new), but it was a complete story that I read and that’s what seems important for my purposes.

“The Long Halloween” is a Batman noir, to simplify it to its bare essentials. Batman is a detective hunting down a serial killer just called Holiday who kills people, not surprisingly, on holidays. It was an interesting and engaging tale that lets you place your own guess work into the mystery, but still takes you a direction or two you weren’t expecting to go.

One of those places for me was through the major cast of characters. Even though it’s mainly a story about mob members being killed, we still see Poison Ivy, Joker, Riddler, The Scarecrow, a lot of Catwoman and even Solomon Grundy. For a Batman story almost entirely grounded in reality’s rules, a few of those were interesting to see (especially Solomon, what with his immortality and all). I don’t think this took away from the story too much, but it did muddy the waters a bit.

I can see why Christopher Nolan cites this as a major source of inspiration for his Dark Knight films. I was afraid that reading The Long Halloween would be just like reading the story of the two movies, but I can’t even think of a real similar moment. Nolan didn’t get his inspiration for the story from this book. Just the inspiration for his Batman. One grounded in that reality I mentioned a minute ago.

It’s a pretty bleak reality at that. I kept noticing one word throughout the saga. “Gone.” It kept coming up as Batman or Catwoman or other people watched someone they were trying to catch or help slip away. For me, it reflected some of the hopelessness that must come from living in a world with so many sociopaths. Batman’s work is literally never done.

The artwork didn’t get me at first. There was something about it that didn’t demand my attention immediately. Then there was one panel, I believe it was a man killed in a bathtub, the entire panel black and white except for the blood he soaked in, that completely changed my mind. From then on, I stopped many times to admire what was done with so few colors.

What did I learn? Well, I really want to write a mystery. I’ve tried it a lot of times and usually get lost somewhere in the first act, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try again. If I can find a way to serialize it like this (The Long Halloween is separated into 13 issues), I might have more success. To make big stories, I need to start thinking in smaller stories.

Also, Batman’s really awesome. Though I think I already knew that. I’d definitely recommend you read this one if you get a shot.

*Edit: What was going on with that opening sentence? It made absolutely no sense.*

I’m seeing a summer looming ahead that’s filled with work and no money for air conditioning and frozen chicken nuggets. Not a bad summer really, but I need something to shake the monotony of it all. Something heroic and adventurous and outgoing. Something that’ll let me see places I’ve never been before and do things I’ve never done before.

Yes, that’s right. This summer, I’m going to try diving into the world of comic books.

(I’m a master at the build-up and letdown.)

There’s no doubt that this decision coincides with my watching, and loving, Joss Whedon’s The Avengers. The man can do no wrong, if you ask me.

But that’s not my only motivation, you see. I have other, more nefarious thoughts in my mind.

1. I write a lot of short films. I actually have a goal for this year and I plan to meet it, but short stories aren’t always easy to come by. I hope to learn something from how these people can write and draw and color new stories issue after issue.

2. In my longer projects, I have a lot of trouble with sequences. I can conceptualize whole stories, but I need to figure out how those stories can be taken apart and told in smaller stories. If I can build a puzzle from pieces that are all formed of other puzzle pieces, I can begin to be more elaborate with my plotting.

3. Comics are heavy on action and dialogue. So are an awful lot of films. There’s got to be something to take away there.

4. Told you I was good at the build-up and letdown. I mean, nefarious? Hardly.

So that’s my plan for this summer. There’s really no telling where it’ll take me. Right now I’m playing it safe and sticking with the classics and the most accessible. That includes stories set in universes I already know, like the Serenity comics, and ones strongly (strongly) recommended, like The Long Halloween, but it also leaves me room to try on some other things.

For example, I’m trying out a lot of DC’s “The New 52″ arcs since there’s no past continuity to worry about. It lets me start fresh and not feel like I’m missing something. Particularly, I’m trying out Justice League, Batman, and Superman Action Comics. Not too daring, really, but like I said, I’m fresh off the boat here.

Maybe I’ll post some reviews or thoughts here at some point, but I really just wanted you all to know because I want your help. Surely someone who reads this has some guidance they can give me. The opportunities for me to explore are almost literally endless.

So… help?

I think I’ve had my fair share of hard days in the past. Loss, rejection, disappointment, I have known all of these things probably no more than the next man, but I have known them and they have found me wherever I’ve chosen to hide.

It is with this unfortunate and selfish spirit that I approach what may be one of the most important days of your life. Today you leave, having accomplished much and seen much and (hopefully) learned much, and it should be about you, but I can’t help thinking of myself. Myself and tail lights.

I know what will happen tonight, or at least I think I do. We will spend time with your family and we’ll celebrate and everyone will laugh and I’ll feel just a little bit uncomfortable because I always do when I’m around anyone but you. And when that all fades, it will be you having to let go and me needing to hold on. Just one second, one minute, one lifetime more.

Anyone who’s ever met us will admit that we were never perfect. Even I, in my greatest states of delusional love, could say that we never had it easy. We were never promised to. We were only promised what we could find, create, keep together. And today, again, that dynamic must change.

You have a world to discover. Places to go you’ve never been and people to meet you’ll always love. I hope, with all my heart, that you find what it is you’ve been looking for. I could always see the part of you that was sure you hadn’t found it just yet. I hope you do and I hope it’s explosively better than anything you wanted. Build it for yourself. Shape whatever you want and never let it go. You deserve nothing less than everything.

I’m so proud of you. You’ve come so far from the freshman in the blue t-shirt who couldn’t figure out how to get her internet to work, but you’ve never let her wide-eyed innocence get too far from you. Become yourself, even when it’s as hard as this. That’s the girl people love. The you that you don’t even know fully yet. That’s the girl I love.

Just don’t forget about the boy awash in the red of your tail lights.